2003-02-01 ~ 2:58 p.m.

sad

So sad, a lady on one of my message boards lost her baby yesterday... Well she found out at 17 weeks 6 days that her babies heart stopped beating and stopped growing at 17 weeks even. So sad and brings back memories of lossing my angel baby... sigh... I feel so bad for her and of course it again brings back the fears I have that I try and control.

I felt nibblet move a lot last night though so I know he or she is okay. Just a week and a couple days until my u/s and my santy will be back.

In my other pregnancies, u/s were just fun times, now I go into them scared of the worst and when I see a healthy baby I am feeled with relief and joy. Funny how much you change and such after a loss.

With Noah and Jaidyn once I hit 12 weeks I never worried about m/c again. NEVER. But with this one I will worry about it until the end, because I know bad things can happen to me. I don't let it consume me anymore though. I am excited to meet my precious baby in July, I dream of this baby, think about what this baby will be, who nibblet will look like and have really started to enjoy being pregnant again. Its not easy to be positive everyday, but I have to because worrying would not be good for nibblet or me...

Somedays when I feel sad about lossing our angel baby, I think to myself, my angel baby left me so that we could have nibblet. If our angel baby had made it, nibblet wouldn't be growing inside of me today. So in that aspect, God took my angel for a reason; maybe our angel wasn't healthy enough to make it in this world, and after taking her he blessed me with Nibblet who makes my days brighter and happier again...

Okay off the sad stuff, just been thinking since I read the post on the message board and remember what kind of pain the loss brought me. This lady knew her baby was a boy, while I never knew for use with my angel, I always just felt she was a girl. So sad...

Anyway 18 weeks and 5 days.. 1 week and 2 days until my u/s and maybe we will know what Nibblet is! :) I need to find the link to my poll at expectedbaby or whatever it is wherre I have a boy girl poll and all that stuff...

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