2002-09-24 ~ 7:38 p.m.

not what I planned...

So I was sitting here thinking about how with my last pregnancy I didn't want any u/s and with this one I have had 2 and will have another one on March 3. Why the change in thinking??

Well first there was the m/c and me having to see the baby before there were any real signs of pregnancy (kicks and bigger belly and such) and then there is the worrier in me that needs to see this little one so I know all is okay with him.

But, I have decided since they didn't get the measurements and such they wanted last time, I will go ahead with this u/s on Monday (a week from today) BUT I am going to tell them I don't want anymore after this. I am also turning down the GTT (gluclose test) so wish me luck on argueing that one with them.

So now that I have decided not to worry, and I needed to get back to my oldself. I don't NEED to know what this baby is. I don't NEED to prepare (what does a baby really need that I don't already have?? I have arms to hold him, breast to feed him, a car seat to bring him home and couple outfits for the first few days) I mean babies don't need a lot of things, so there is no real prepare ya know??

In a way I wish I could go back and say, "Nope I don't want to find out" Can't turn back the clock now though. Not finding out with Jaidyn was awsome though, because it was at birth when I found out she was a she and then she became my Jaidyn...

AnywayI don't know if this makes any sence at all.

See in several sences I am sad, because this is more then likely my last pregnancy and baby and it hasn't been at all what I wanted this pregnancy to be.

I didn't want to stress the first half of the pregnancy away because of my m/c, I didn't want to give in to u/s because of of worry, and I wanted my midwife and homebirth experience I long for, that I am not going to get. sigh...

Maybe this won't be our last after all?? Probably so though, Brian had to be talked into 2 and talked into 3 I don't know if I can talk him into 4! lol Or if I will even want 4 after I have 3.

Being pregnant has been thinking and hormonal, so I hope you don't mind my rmabling on and on. Just wish I had done this the way I really wanted to and hadm't been consumed with worry so much....

Of course I am enjoying my little guy kicking me as we speak! Such a wonderful thing

Older ~ Newer